So… I might have overreacted a little.

August 2016 · 4 minute read

After a weekend away from the screen, I’m back at the office with fresh eyes. And following a good nights sleep, I’m feeling energised. It seems the labyrinth I was chasing on Friday was exactly the path I needed to take and all of a sudden the whole thing seems to have untangled itself, to some extent at least.

One day into this week and feeling much more optimistic! I’ve actually written some relevant working code! And I’m starting to feel like I’ve made some progress. You see the problem isn’t knowing what needs to happen or understanding the underlying structure of how it may work, the problem is in fact, getting it to work. Understanding the framework, language, and database well enough to just do it. I guess that’s something every programmer deals with every time they look at a new project – I feel like they probably pick it up faster, though…

I feel like I’m stuck and asking for help every 5 minutes. I can get individual parts working on my own when I know I’m on the right track. But only small parts though. I wonder how long it’s going to take for everyone to get annoyed with me asking them stupid questions all the time… I also wonder if I’m too opinionated, I potentially have too many ideas running on different tangents – it’s quite difficult to just focus on one thing at a time.

I find myself constantly nitpicking and questioning what’s there but with no actual clue as to a better direction. I’m sure that’ll get on someone’s nerves soon too…

At least the bonus of that is if I get stuck on one thing, I can move on and look at another for a bit. Not quite sure how that works with source control, though, I kind of have a bunch of half-finished parts on the same branch. I’m sure it will all become clear soon.

As the week goes on I’m feeling like my productivity is reducing but I also feel like I’m really starting to gel with the team. I think it’s important not only to do well with the code but also to get along with everyone in such a small office. It’s a fine balance because I’m sure they have experience enough that they can spend time chatting and still get things done whereas I’m still in a position where I’m looking at some code which is completely foreign to me and where finding a solution takes at least twice as long for me as anyone else.

In one way I’m feeling confident that I can get the work done in my allocated time frame but in another way, I’m a little worried that I’m nearly two weeks in and haven’t fully completed any task. And the ones that I think I’m close on, I’m probably not. I’m sure there’s a tonne of use cases and situations that I just wouldn’t even think of – I mean, how am I meant to know that that’s even a thing?!

Also, a bigger concern that’s just dawned on me is that between all the help, I don’t feel I’ve gained as solid of an understanding as I maybe need to have. Like, sure it works but how much of it do I thoroughly understand… I’m just good at putting puzzles together, not so much at explaining them…

Again, I just need to have faith that it will become clear… Everyone seems to think I know what’s going on and what I’m doing, I don’t know quite how much they’re sugar coating that, though… I’d just really rather not put out a false perception and set myself up to ultimately look like a muppet who looks like they think they know what they’re doing when they blatantly don’t.

I’m sure self-doubt is normal to some extent but I do wonder how long I will feel this way for. And I’m also hoping it won’t reflect me in a negative way, I do really want to learn, I just can’t tell whether I am or not… 😕

My first review isn’t for another few weeks and it’s difficult to gage the expectations. I mean, I keep getting told that there aren’t really any big expectations but I can’t help but keep thinking that that’s just a trick and they’re kind of doing what I do to myself, playing it down but actually secretly expecting big world changing things. I’d really rather not disappoint anyone… I quite enjoy working with this team and I sincerely hope they’re enjoying my company too! 😀